I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
