He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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