I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?