Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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