I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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