I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
