you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
