I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
