My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
