Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
