I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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