I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
