2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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