we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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