At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
