She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
