why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sober January is a disaster.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Randomize
