Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
