I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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