I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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