You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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