life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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