I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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