I puked a lego.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
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the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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