I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
