i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
