They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
