I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
