I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Ketchup is God's man juice
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
