I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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