I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
