No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
