the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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