Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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