You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
