So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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