I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
