Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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