So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
