You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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