Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
