it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
