ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
