FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
