That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
