I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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