During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
