Just cropdusted the office
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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