Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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