today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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