their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
