Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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