I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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