you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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