You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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