Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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