We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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