Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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