I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
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Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
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Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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